PLAYS FOR YOUNG ACTORS
8f 2m or with doubling 4f 1m. By Edith Weiss 30 min.
Ava’s Zoom session with her classmates is interrupted by Cinderella, Snow White’s Evil Queen, Maid Marion and the lovesick Robin Hood. You’ve never seen these characters like this and Ava learns a very important lesson about writing your own story.
MAID MARION WRITING HER OWN STORY…
MARION: (appears, a ripped gown on her bow and arrow) Hey! What ho! What’s going on? Where am I? Robin! Robin Hood, are you here? I just escaped from a very tiny room where I had to fight garments to get out.
CINDERELLA: Maid Marion! Robin Hood’s girlfriend? Oh I think you’re so great.
MARION: Fie on you! I rage at the injustice!
CINDERELLA: Don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad. And look what you’ve done to that gown.
MARION: I am so much more than Robin Hood’s girlfriend! I can protect myself. I can hit the bullseye with this bow. I can outwit the Sheriff of Nottingham and steal from the rich and give to the poor! All with or without Robin Hood.
THE EVIL QUEEN DISSES CINDERELLA
EVIL QUEEN: You hear that, Cinderella? Some people write their own story, they don’t wait for some shoe toting Prince or bippety bopping fairy godmother to come in and fix things.
CINDERELLA: She’s so mean. Why is she so mean? (tearful) And why didn’t the Prince remember what I looked like? Am I truly so forgettable?
EVIL QUEEN: Oh buck up Buttercup.
CINDERELLA: My name is not Buttercup, it’s Cinderella.
EVIL QUEEN: Cinderella. Poor, insipid little Cinderella.
CINDERELLA: I don’t know what insipid means.
AVA: It means lacking vigor or interest.
CINDERELLA: I do not lack those things! The things I lack are nice shoes and good clothes. And maybe a pretty bonnet. And my true love, the Prince.
ENTER ROBIN HOOD, SEARCHING FOR MAID MARION
ROBIN: Oh, tremulous, shy Marion, my heart beats once again, and I must needs hold you in my strong, manly arms.
MARION: Stop it, Robin.
EVIL QUEEN: It looks like you’re going to be single for a while, Robin. I have a job opening for a huntsman. It shouldn’t be hard for you to find one young girl, traipsing about the woods. What do you say?
ROBIN: Nay, I would not work for you. For it would take me away from my sweet, revered Marion, so there I would not go for love nor money.
MARION: So tiring. So very tiring.
Gretchen 🌧 and the Grudge 😠
20 characters, 4 Female 16 Flex possibility of adding extras
runs about 30 minutes simple unit set
When little sister Molly lends Gretchen’s favorite sweater to Gretchen’s best friend Janelle, the sweater is accidentally ruined. Gretchen then holds a grudge against all of them. Literally – a Grudge – comes into the room, and sits next to her. As Gretchen alienates her own family and friends, the Grudge invites his friends the Moodkeeters, Peevish and Hothead, and finally the dreaded Doldrum family, all of whom hang onto Gretchen, although they are visible only to her. As she sinks deeper into the doldrums, her friends and family desperately try to come up with ways to get her back to herself. Nothing seems to work until at last Gretchen realizes she is responsible for getting rid of the Grudge and all his friends in a musical and happy ending.
“Inventive, original, funny and with a great message…the cast loved it.”
North Toronto Christian School
NOTE: the GRUDGE, MOODKETEERS, PEEVISH and HOTHEAD, and the DOLDRUMS don’t have to costumed like kids. They can be costumed and made up very imaginatively- Hothead can have a red face, they can be made to look like imps and trolls and even half animal.
4 M 8 W 4 Flex possibility of extras as villagers about 50 minutes
one unit set - a market square
When the immature and power hungry Princess Cecily drops her dirty shoe into Maggie’s water bucket, our heroine sees the stark contrast between the pampered lives of the Royals, and the powerless and poor lives of the Villagers. Angered, she
puts a bucket on her head and wears the Princess’ dirty shoe, proclaiming herself “The UnPrincess of Forlorn”. Through this the villagers start to see the injustice and absurdity of living powerless under their rulers. Populated by colorful characters such as Sir Sneedly, Knight of the Pompous Sword; Queen Aubrey, who hides a terrible secret; and Professor Pythagoras, who tries to convince everyone that the earth is round; this story is full of twists and turns and a wonderful ending where the idea of democracy is introduced.
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS/TOURS: Tabard Theater Company, CA., Bay City Players, MI.; Colorado ACT, CO.; Greasepaint Youth Theater, MT.; Children’s Theater Workshop of Toledo, OH.; Schaumberg Park District, IL.; Skyclad Theater, CA.
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS: OHLOOK Performing Arts, TX.; Northglenn Youth Center, Lakewood Cultural Center, Elementary and Middle schools
Sample Dialogue: Meet the Doldrums
DISMAL: (sing-song, rhythmic) I’m Dismal and he’s Dreary. So joyless that it’s eerie. We’ll always make you weary,
DOLDRUMS: The Doldrums Family.
DOOMUS: (sing song) I’m Doomus and he’s Gloomy, we want to be your roomie, don’t like it you can sue me,
ALL DOLDRUMS: The Doldrums Family.
GLOOMY: (spoken) Stop singing. I don’t like music.
DREARY: Me neither. It’s pretty. I don’t like pretty.
AUNT DAGMAR: (entering. Doesn’t see the grudges) Are you feeling any better, Gretchen?
AUNT DAGMAR: I’m sorry to hear that. Want help me with dinner?
GRETCHEN & COUCH CREW: No!
GRETCHEN: I’m not hungry and I don’t want to help.
AUNT DAGMAR: This isn’t like you. Do you want to talk?
GRETCHEN & COUCH CREW: NO.
GRETCHEN: I don’t want to talk!
AUNT DAGMAR: I see.
GRETCHEN: Ever again!
(the crew high fives each other)
PEEVISH: That ought to make her mad.
HOTHEAD: Yeah. Now she’ll lose her temper and start yelling. I love yelling! YELL-ING!
ALL ON COUCH: (at AUNT DAGMAR) YELL! YELL! YELL!
AUNT DAGMAR: (very calm, only seeing Gretchen) All right then. If you change your mind, I’ll be in the kitchen.
MOODY: She didn’t yell.
GRETCHEN: She never yells. She doesn’t have any kids, so she never learned how.
Meet The Characters:
QUEEN AUBREY: “Don’t tell anyone, but I call Sir Sneedly the Knight of the Pompous Sword. He thinks it’s a compliment – he doesn’t know what the word ‘pompous’ means.”
PRINCESS CECILY: It’s so sneaky and just this side of evil. I like it. Let’s do it.
MISTRESS THOAST: For they are royal and we are not, but there’s something important that they’ve forgot: Some have more and many have less, but that has naught to do with happiness.
UNPRINCESS MAGGIE: I’m the UnPrincess and I’d rather spend the rest of my days in the dungeon rather than grovel out here with my nose in the dirt.
And even some historical characters:
PROFESSOR PYTHAGORAS: (ENTERING) Good morning! Did you all know the earth is round? Aristotle of the ancient Greeks said so.
ANNIE: There you go, telling tales again. Who ever heard the like? Look to the east – flat. Look the west- flat. The north? – flat. The south?- flatter yet. The earth is flat. It’s common sense, I see it with my own eyes. Everybody knows the earth is flat.
THE FROG PRINCE OF SPAMALOT
8 F., 3 M., 2 Flex 55 minutes
Hyronomous A. Frog, the Frog Prince of Spamalot, has been around the world; from Germany to Australia to Guam, in professional theaters such as the Lily Children’s Museum in Indianapolis and the Arvada Center in Denver, to community theaters and schools. Reviews in Denver called it “a masterpiece of physical humor – grade A” and “much more than just a laugh packed roller coaster ride”…Boulder Daily Camera. It was Critic’s Choice in Cape Cod: “Frog Prince of Spamalot is simply spectacular” and “Harwich Junior Theatre kicks off its summer season in high form with "The Frog Prince of Spamalot," a hilarious production that is wildly entertaining.”
“The Frog Prince of Spamalot is simply spectacular... a hilarious production that is wildly entertaining.
“has enough energy to entertain even small children, but adults will find it equally (and maybe more) enjoyable. If you don’t have a kid yourself, borrow one like I did, because this is a must-see show.
Laurie Higgins, Cape Cod Times
Some productions and tours: New Mexico Young Actors, Phipps Children’s Theater, WI., Encore Stage and Studio, VA; Green Bay Area Youth Troupe, WI, Santa Maria Civic Theater, CA., Vicksburg Theater Guild, MS., Northglenn Youth Theater, CO., Colorado ACTS, Denver;. Theater Arts for Children, WA.; Plano Children’s Theater, TX.; Encore Theater WA.; Willow River Players, WI.; Piedmont Performing Arts, CA.; Hello-Broadway, IL.; West Valley Playhouse, CA.; Evergreen Productions, WI.; Harwich Jr. Theater, MA
With sword fighting, chases, queens, princesses, Knights in Shining Armor, a good witch and a wonderful ending where “happily ever after” begins with friendship, The Frog Prince of Spamalot can be found at www.pioneerdrama.com. Smaller cast version using 6-7 actors, called Hyronomous A. Frog, also at Pioneer.
Gladiola: Oh, humiliation! To be seen with this booger-colored turgid toad!
Hyronomous: Hey! I’m not booger colored! I’m a lovely shade of swamp green, and I don’t even know what turgid means.
Lancelot Pancelot: We make music, sublime and sweet. You’re the melody and I’m the beat. Just like the moss that needs its peat – making it peat moss, then it’s complete.
Peony: Peat moss? Not typically associated with romance. Compost yes, but romance?-no.
Gladiola: Aunt Queen Bea, this frog followed us home and won’t leave. Chop off his head!
Delphinium: No! They promised the frog he could live with us.
Queen Bea: Well, a promise is a promise is promise. A rose is a rose is a rose. I have a niece named Rose. Oh, there you are, Rose. I love your hair this evening. It’s like your head exploded but it’s still attached to your neck. Very attractive.
Gladiola: Aunt Queen Bea, have you lost your mind?
Queen Bea: Well now, that’s hard to say. The mind is in the brain, which is behind the eyes. So you can’t see your mind. So you can’t tell if you’ve lost it! I’m pretty sure I had it when I came in. Look under the table, everyone!
And soliloquies almost as profound as Shakespeare’s:
Hyronomous: To be or not to be a frog. That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to sit in a bog and burp, or to be a man and suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Gladiola.
The Tempestuous and Fractious Shakespeare Project
7 F., 2 M., 4 Flex 45 min
Educational and funny, this script includes a Jeopardy- like game show whose contestants are the Shakespearean characters Mistress Quickly, Tamora, Queen of the Goths; and a soggy Ophelia, still wet from the pond. Includes scenes from Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Moving between themselves and the characters they play, they overcome problems like Brad’s aversion to puffy costume pants and Lara trying to steal Christina’s boyfriend.
Excerpts from the Shakespeare Game Show:
PAT: So we’ve heard, Mistress Quickly. Contestant number two is from Shakespeare’s bloodiest play, Titus Andronicus. Please welcome his most bloodthirsty heroine, the Queen of the Goths
and the Empress of Rome: Tamora!
(Enter TAMORA SR. PAT holds out
hand to shake hers)
TAMORA: Touch me and I’ll unhair thy head! Thou shalt be whipped with wire and stew’d in brine smarting in lingering pickle.
PAT: You can’t whip me and stew me! You’re out of your mind! Mistress Quickly, tell her she can’t threaten me like that.
M.Q: She’s the empress of Rome; she can do whatever she likes.
PAT: So she is and yes she can! Watch my back, audience. Our last contestant, from the castle of Elsinore in Denmark, the one time girlfriend of Hamlet, Ophelia! Ophelia, come on out here!
(Ophelia enters, looking drowned, twigs and sodden flowers in her hair)
OPHELIA: I’m sorry, but you don’t want to shake my hand. It’s still wet and rather mucky from the pond. I drowned, you know.
PAT: Yes, I’d heard. I’m sorry.
OPHELIA: Sorry? Hamlet should be sorry! He killed my father Polonius, he killed my brother Laertes, then he told me to get me to a nunnery, what else was I supposed to do with my life but to end it?
PAT: I’m guessing I would have got me to nunnery before drowning myself. (hearty laugh, show host style)
OPHELIA: Lo, he laughs at my pain.
(OPHELIA starts weeping, M.Q. hands her a tissue)
PAT: No, no I’m not! It was just game show host patter – just keeping things light - (as OPHELIA hiccups with soft sobs) – I - I won’t do it anymore.
TAMORA: Thou full dish of fool!
Representative Productions: high schools and community colleges
HOW TO HIDE YOUR ZOMBIES
By Edith Weiss
9 Female 1 Male 9 Flex possibility of extras
One Unit Set: 55 minutes.
Four friends, Natasha, Nanny, Ambrose and Beatrice, live in a house in a gated community. They have some secrets: the first, that they are vegetarian Vampires in hiding from the Vamp Gang, a hungry group of blood eating Vampires. Secondly, that they have given shelter to and are hiding some wandering Zombies. Natasha, in order to protect the Zombies and anyone they might meet on the outside; is determined to humanize them so that they too can live in society like she and her friends do.
Teaching the Zombies etiquette, which includes things like learning kindness from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood tapes, turns out to save the day for both the recovering Vampires and the childlike Zombies. No biting, no blood, great message.
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS: Twin Lakes Playhouse, AR.; Theatre in the Grove, OR.; Phipps Children’s Center, MI.; Caught In The Act Theater Group, MI.; middle and high schools.
Jackie White Memorial Playwriting Contest, 2013
“Kids would love this play.”
"This is pure entertainment.”
“The characters are zany.”
“The dialogue’s clever.”
“Mr. Rogers is wonderful”
“How to Hide Your Zombies is a funny, intelligent play about being true to yourself and not giving into peer pressure. It was as much fun to direct as it was to watch!!”
Shadow Ridge M.S., CO., 3rd place winner
Jackie White Children’s Playwriting Contest 2013
ETIQUETTE FOR VAMPIRES
MILLICENT: What are we supposed to do, when body parts fall off and lay about the floor?
NATASHA: What do you do when someone’s possession falls to the floor? You pick it up and give it to them.
MILLICENT: But…if it’s their hands that fall off, how do we give them back? They’ve got no hands to hold ‘em with!
NATASHA: Just put their hands in their pockets. Isn’t that what pockets are for? To put your hands in them?
MILLICENT: Yes, M’am, but only if they’re still attached to your body!
NANNY: That’s a perfect example of what I call small thinking, Milly.
THE ELOCUTION LESSON
NATASHA: (over enunciating) What a piece of work is a man!
ZOMBIES: WHA A PEE. A WOK E A MA.
NANNY: Oh, boy.
NATASHA: How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty!
ZOMBIES: HA NUBU N RUDAH. HA INBIBI N FAHCUTEE.
SAL: Don’t be ridiculous. They can’t kill us. We’re Vampires.
BEATRICE: No, they’d just gobble your brains. And even if that doesn’t kill you, you’d be headless. Oh my, that could be really unattractive.
Cinderella and the Fairy Godmother’s Spell
9 female 2 male 7 flex 60 minutes Brooklyn publishers
This reworking of Cinderella makes our heroine responsible for her transformation from being the victim of her step family to young woman, adding lots of humor and enough lines for all the characters to satisfy your actors.
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS: Caught in the Act Theater Group, MI.; University of Hartford, CT.; Colorado ACT; middle and high schools, drama camps
Excerpt: Not Your Disney’s Fairy Godmother
Fairy Godmother: You see, you, Cinderella, let people push you around. Not good. You don’t stand up for yourself.
Cinderella: No, I guess I don’t.
FGM: Well, that’s settled then. Goodbye!
FGM: Well, now that you know what the problem is, you can
just stand up for yourself and go the the Ball! Bye!
Cinderella: Fairy Godmother! I was going to go-
LARRY: We made her a beautiful dress!
CURLY: With cones.
MO: She’d been the only one there with cones.
She woulda really stood out.
TOM CAT: But they took it away! And now she has nothing to wear.
FGM: Oh. Well I can help there. I am a Fairy Godmother, after all.
All the Single Ladies
VEXIANA: I put dibs on the Prince.
COOK: You can’t put dibs on the Prince!
VEXIANA: Why not?
COOK: Because he’s a person! You don’t put dibs on a person!
LADY LOTTE PHYLLIS: What do you know? You’re just a cook.
LADY LOTTE BONBON: I say he’s mine. He belongs to moi.
What Every Kid Needs to Hear:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: For goodness, sakes, Cinderella, why did you run away?
CINDERELLA: The spell! My gown was turned to rags.
FAIRY GODMOTHER: So? I didn’t say run away! If the Prince didn’t like you because of what you were wearing, he’s not worth it.
“What a wonderful way to show girls they can do anything they set their minds to.
"…..the play was not only easy and fun to direct, it offered both our older and younger actors fun parts… an evening of so much laughter that our audiences complained that their jaws hurt.”
A Little Princess
13 F., 8 Flex, Doubling Possible. 75 minutes
In this version of the classic Frances Hodgson Burnett novel, the story is told through the eyes of Melchisedec the rat and I have emphasized the “mean girls” aspect of the girls bullying Sarah. While keeping much of the original dialogue, and all the familiar characters, I added a subplot of peer pressure and gave more lines to the girls in the school
MELCHISEDEC: (to audience) Hello, I’m a rat, in case you hadn’t noticed. And, I’ll bet you didn’t. You thought I was a mouse, didn’t you? Cause if you had known I was a rat, some of you people would be all screaming “Oh, it’s a rat!” and you’d run out of here with your petticoats flying. I notice now that no one’s wearing petticoats.
The Mean Girls…
JULIA: Did you hear we have a new girl?
ERMENGARDE: I saw her. She looks nice. I hope she’s nice.
AURORA: They gave her the most beautiful bedroom in the house!
EMMA: I know! The one with its own sitting room.
JULIA: (catty) She needs an extra room, she has her own maid!
LAVINIA: Who does she think she is?
JESSIE: We all have maids at home.
LAVINIA: But not at school! That’s just showing off.
JESSIE: Yes, you’re right. That’s just showing off.
And a great villain:
MISS MINCHIN: Amelia, take her into the kitchen and box her ears!
AMELIA: Oh, Miss Minchin, won’t you do it? You’re so much better than boxing ears than I am. I haven’t the stomach for it.
And one of the best “telling off speeches” in all literature:
AMELIA: She saw right through us! She saw that you were a hard-hearted and worldly woman and that I was a weak fool! That we would grovel on our knees for her money, and mistreat her when she was poor-even though she behaved like a little princess the whole time! And now that she has a huge fortune, and you’re lost her – we will be ruined! And it serves us right, but it serves you right more than it does me, for you are a hard woman, Maria Michin, you’re a hard and selfish woman.
LAVINIA: Sara is rich? How rich?
AURORA: Way richer than us?
AMELIA: And I’ve had just about enough of you, Lavinia and Aurora. You are both nasty and jealous girls! (Emma and Julia snicker) And you, Jessie, might think whether they are worth your friendship.
“This one is absolutely perfect. Ms. Weiss has produced the best script I’ve seen yet for this story...”
Gerisch Middle School, MI
THE SEVEN NASTY PRINCESSES
3 m 16 w 3 flexible 60min.
Seven princesses all vie for one Prince; and sabotage their sisters’ chances. With maids, a queen, witches Barfette and Hurlish, witchlets, servants, and a tool-belted handyman accidentally hired as a maid, this show is funny with lots of action.
Winner in the
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS: Sandcastle Theatre, OR.; Ursuline Academy Stage Company, OH.; Rocky Mountain Community College, MT.; Santa Maria College, Australia; St. Andrews Players, VA, middle and high schools
The witches Barfette and Hurlish try to narrate
BARFETTE: I’ll tell the story of the Seven Nasty Princesses. Through these woods, and on the hill, sits the Castle of Gems.
HURLISH: I know this story! Cause it’s a true story! The story of what happens when children are as nasty as dirt and just fight all the time and make everybody miserable –
BARFETTE: That’s not the way you tell a story! You just tell it, you don’t go giving the moral of a story right up front! Anyhow, Queen Aquamarine lives there with her servant Bert, her seven daughters, the Princesses, and their seven maids.
HURLISH: And the Princesses are just so snooty, and think they’re better than everybody!
BARFETTE: Will you stop with the opinions? That’s not the way you tell a story!
HURLISH: You think you know everything! Why don’t we just let them see the story for themselves then?
BARFETTE: That’s a great idea! I’ll cast a storyteller’s spell! Fiddle in the middle of the big crow’s call; imagine there’s a crystal ball-
HURLISH: So we can see right through the castle wall.
These Princesses are not so nice…
PRINCESS PUMICE: Louie! When you carry my train, you have to keep up!
LOUIE: I’m trying, Princess!
PRINCESS PUMICE: I mean, it’s bad enough to have a guy with a tool belt
carrying my train
LOUIE: How do you think it feels for me?
PRINCESS PUMICE: I don’t know. I never think about how you feel.
Barfette and Hurlish Bring It Home….
BARFETTE: This is where the moral of the story goes. Go ahead, Hurlish, tell us the moral of the story.
HURLISH: I don’t want to.
BARFETTE: All right, I will.
HURLISH: You’re always hogging the spotlight.
BARFETTE: You said you didn’t want to.
HURLISH: I changed my mind! The moral of the story is: Be kind to other people, even if they’re related to you.
The Agony and the Hilarity: The Life of Teens
This show can be done by as few as 14 students to as many as 50. A good number is between 20-40, so no one is overloaded, or underused. Many gender flexible roles
Ten Scenes including a Commerical Parody, A Game Show,
a Group Therapy Session run by teens and two Monologues
Two girls at the Prom are wearing exactly the same dress. Do they spend the rest of the evening in the Ladies Room or do they find a solution by answering the question: WWGSD?
The Grape Nuts Bake Sale: Emily, running a bake sale for charity, realizes that Robert, has baked all manner of inedible pastries, all using Grape Nuts. A very creative solution saves the day.
Ann and Al, on their first day of school and lost, run into a three headed Guidance Unit giving advice: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world”, “Just Do It” and “You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t wipe your friends under the couch.”
Dumped for the Lack of a Car: Jarrod has been dumped by his girlfriend for the lack of a car. Will he remain immobile and dateless the rest of the school year?
Rick’s desk chair makes an Unfortunate Noise in class. Is his life ruined?
The Teens Helping Teens Therapy Group counsels a girl in love with a pirate, a student in the midst of a Very Bad Hair Day, and a younger sister forever overshadowed by her Mensa-cheerleading-beautiful sibling.
The Politically Correct Storytelling hour includes a complete meltdown of the Storyteller while reading “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” to a class of smug and precocious preschoolers.
Based on Family Feud, Lifestyle Feud is a game show whose contestants are the New Agers, the Yuppies, and Attilla the Hun with wife Hogsnot and kids Flathead, Killer, and Beefneck.
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS: Workshopped at the Arvada Center summer theater program for kids, productions at middle and high schools
THE LITTLE RED HEN EXPLAINS IT ALL FOR YOU
9 Female 3 Male 8-13
Either one set : about 30 minutes
This is a large cast, singing, rapping, cheering version of the Little Red Hen tale, narrated by Wing Ding Pumpkinpatch the rooster. It takes place on Old MacDonald’s farm, and he and his sister Louise are based on Grant Wood’s American Gothic painting. It takes us from the Little Red Hen planting the wheat seed to baking a loaf of bread; asking for help from and being declined by every animal in the barnyard.
Suitable for elementary and middle school actors. Cast can be easily enlarged or made smaller. Characters include lambs, geese, cows, piglets and Babio the manly Bull.
The farmers question the need for narration
WING DING ROOSTER: Life on a farm is simple, and it never changes.
(ENTER LOUISE and MCDONALD, farmers, SR, with wheelbarrow full of food)
The animals get fed twice a day. Enter Louise and McDonald.
LOUISE: We’re already here.
MCDONALD: What’s Wing Ding doing?
HENNY PENNY: He’s narrating.
WING DING: The cows and lambs came home from the fields.
MCDONALD: Why is he narrating?
LOUISE: I don’t know.
WING DING: Old McDonald stopped asking questions and fed the cows.
The Little Red Hen is getting sick of nobody helping
LRH: I’m going to harvest it. Who will help me –
ANNABELLE COW: Oh, here we go again!
BETSY COW: Always asking for help.
LUCY GOOSE: Really, Rosy Red Hen, you are so needy.
LaCARMEN COW: Why is it always about your needs?
LRH: Fine! I’ll do it myself! (she pulls up wheat) So I’m guessing nobody wants help me take it to the mill to make it into flour?
“quirky and irresistibly funny – it won me over immediately” “clever sense of humor and memorable characters”
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS: Harrisburg Christian Performing Arts Center, Littleton Town Hall summer drama program, CO.; Birder Studio of Performing Arts, WI. Elementary & middle schools
Sleeping Goldilocks and the 7 Dwarfs
9 w 4 m 10 flex unit set 45 minutes
On their way to sell rutabagas at the market, Stef and Harley, hearing ominous growling, run to a cottage in the Enchanted Kingdom. The cottage’s owners, Evalinda and Dorabelle, insist on a story in exchange for their safety. Stef starts the story of the Sleeping Beauty, when the Sleeping Beauty herself enters and makes the story come alive. Things go from weird to worse when 3 angry bears, hot on the heels of Goldilocks, run into the cottage. The group is then joined by Snow White and the 7 Dwarves, outrunning the Evil Queen, and a combat ready Hansel and Gretel. A mysterious spell puts Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Goldilocks, as well as the two Princes who arrive to rescue them, into a deep enchanted sleep. In a harrowing climax, the Evil Queen arrives to wall up the sleepers and the only person who can save the day is Fifi the Blue Haired Fairy who has lost all her powers. How she does this gives an original and funny ending to this fractured fairy tale.
What do you do with a sleeping Princess?
DORABELLE: In the story, how long does she sleep?
STEF: For a hundred years.
DORABELLE: A hundred years! Well, then let’s take her to the root cellar. She’ll be a little wrinkled when she wakes up but she should keep mostly fresh.
How to break a sleeping spell……or not.
STEF: They’re under some sort of sleeping spell. It’s a long story. One that I regret ever starting, actually.
PRINCE CHARLES: A spell! Very good!
PRINCE ALEJANDRO: We specialize in sleeping spells! We undo them.
PRINCE CHARLES: With a kiss! Isn’t that what every girl is waiting for? A kiss from a Prince!
GRETEL: Nein! Not every girl is waiting for a kiss from a Prince.
PRINCE CHARLES: You’re a child. What do you know about real life?
Not Your Daddy’s Christmas Carol, Reindeer Games, and other Christmas Sketches
Large cast version: 22-35 actors.
7 male, 9 female, 21 flexible
Small cast version:
OR: TEN ACTORS, 1 M 9 Flex. all playing 3 roles
“Not Your Daddy’s Christmas Carol”, Santa is the co-pilot of a plane where a young and cynical man, Mr. Eben Neezer, tells a little girl that there is no such thing as Santa Claus. The pilot and Santa then take matters into their own hands. In the first Reindeer Interlude, chaos ensues when Dunder finds out he is named after Thor, the God of Thunder. In “Carollers Gone Rogue” a battle of Christmas carollers vs. bullies, a young girl’s conscience is put to the test. And, in “The 5th Day of Christmas”, a Kingdom is saved from the cruel Queen Fredegund by the clever interpretation of the gift 5 golden rings. With a surprise ending involving pirates and Thor’s magic hammer, everything ends merrily.
NOT YOUR DADDY'S CHRISTMAS CAROL
CO-PILOT: This is your co-pilot speaking. That little bit of turbulence was caused by what looks like an airborne sleigh being pulled by 9 reindeer!
EBEN: Oh for heaven’s sakes! Bah humbug!
REINDEER GAMES INTERLUDE #1 a closer look at our lovable reindeer
DUNDER: Reindeer don’t respect me at all because my name is Dunder. It rhymes with blunder!
CUPID: And Cupid rhymes with stupid. Do you hear me complaining?
CAROLLERS GONE ROGUE: teaching a lesson to the Mean Girls
CAROLLERS: (to the tune of JINGLE BELLS) Nasty girls bitter girls
Scoffing right on cue
Dump them now it’s not too late
They think they’re better than you
REINDEER GAMES INTERLUDE #2: not letting Rudolf play reindeer games
RUDOLF: (picking up signs) They had one job. Come out here, read the sign you’re holding, and exit. Nobody said drop the signs on the floor. Worst stage crew ever.
5TH DAY OF CHRISTMAS: Is she the most loathsome villain ever?
GUDRUN: They loathe you. I’ve heard it said you make them want to puke up their guts and then tie their guts into a lariat that binds you up and then they would toss you clear out of the kingdom.
QUEEN FREDEGUND: And yet I have all the power so it’ll be me tossing them out, won’t it? I so look forward to that.