PLAYS FOR YOUNG AUDIENCES
Hyronomous A. Frog
The Frog Prince
6 roles 3m 3w (one role double cast)
Pick of the Winnipeg Fringe Festival 2017
Set in the Kingdom of Spamalot, a rather lonely and odd frog tries to become the human prince he really is by getting the bratty Princess Gladiola, already engaged to Sir Lancelot Pancelot, to give him a kiss. The all-important kiss comes from Delphinium the handmaiden, who had befriended him all along. An award winning children's play that has been performed around the world. Deals with: treating others with kindness, being true to yourself, learning at your own pace.
Gladiola: Oh, humiliation! To be seen with this booger-colored turgid toad!
Hyronomous: Hey! I’m not booger colored! I’m a lovely shade of swamp green, and I don’t even know what turgid means.
Knights in Shining Armor:
Sir Lancelot Pancelot: Behind me, Arthur! Stand behind me. I’m the Knight!
Arthur: I was behind you, but when you turned around I was in front of you!
Sir Lancelot Pancelot: Well then stop moving about behind my back!
Queens and Princesses:
Princess Gladiola: You’re going to let him stay? Queen Bea, have you lost your mind?
Bea: Well now. That’s hard to say. The mind is in the brain which is behind the eyes. So you can’t see your mind. So how can you tell if you’ve lost it? I’m pretty sure I had it when I came in. Look under the table, everyone, maybe its there.
And soliloquies almost as profound as Shakespeare’s:
Hyronomous: To be or not to be a frog. That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler to sit in a bog and burp, or to be a man and suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Gladiola.
“a masterpiece of physical humor – grade A”
The Rocky Mountain News
"much more than just a laugh packed
roller coaster ride...”
Boulder Daily Camera
“as colorful and energetic
as a live-action cartoon.”
Winnipeg Free Press
“the transforming power of acceptance, understanding and friendship is a theme that’s accessible to children of all ages. Campy & delicious, Hyronomous is great fun.”
CBC News, Manitoba
Representative Productions/Tours: U. Of Minnesota, Morris; Carroll C.C. & Howard C.C., M.D.; Northwest U, Wyo., Missouri South State U., St. Clare CC (MN) Imagination Creation, N.J., U. Of Wisconson, LaCrosse., Backlot Chlldrens Theater, GA.; Arvada Center, CO. CentreStage Nova Scotia, Backstage Breckenridge, CO., Dramatic Theater, Winnipeg, Twin Lakes Playhouse, AR., Timberlake Playhouse, IL., Arizona Broadway Theater, AZ., Jesters Theater, ME. Indianapolis children’s museum Lily theater, IN, Kingwood College, TX., St. Clair Community College, MI.
Larger cast version available as “The Frog Prince of Spamalot” also published by Pioneer.
Two Dumb Dogs - The Amazing Adventures of Ferdo and Floof
11 characters, With doubling, 4 M 2 F 55 min
3rd place winner,
Jackie White Memorial Children’s Playwriting Competition
Marlowe Award, Best Children’s Play 2009
Ferdo and Floof are two not-very-bright dogs – well, at least not compared to your average fifth grader. Constantly getting into trouble with their owner Roger, due mainly to their desire to break his rules, the two dogs decide to run away and seek fame and fortune on their own. They enter the Enchanted forest and encounter a cursed
Prince who has been turned to stone, a hapless poodle, Mimi, the legendary Dog Shouter, and the terribly wicked Queen herself. Ferdo and Floof must rally their brainpower to release the Prince and thwart the evil plan of Queen Malevella. A very funny script whose lessons include that using your brain, and that following rules, is sometimes a mighty good thing. Funny, full of action, with a good message.
Productions/Tours: Breckenridge Backstage Theater, CO; Carroll Community College, MD ; The Little Lake Theatre Company, PA., Milliken University IL., University of South Carolina Upstate, U. of Oregon – Mad Duckling Touring, OR., Howard Community College, Md. Sutter St. Theatre, CA.; Arizona Broadway Theatre, AZ; STARS, AZ; Western Kentucky U., KY; CentreStage, Nova Scotia; Arkansas State U., AR.
“I didn’t know it was her ham! It was just sitting there, on the picnic table…I thought the ham fairy left it.”…..Ferdo
“ ‘What’s a minion?’….” “I think it’s a small onion.”……Floof & Ferdo
“I’m terribly magical. That’s a joke, you see…I’m magical, and I’m terrible. Isn’t that clever? That’s not a rhetorical question, I’m really asking.”…..Queen Malevella.
“…brilliantly written, a tail wagging good time-the young ones will never forget the day that they met Ferdo and Floof”
Holly Bartges, Backstage Colorado
"...the off-the-wall dogs generated plenty of side-splitting laughs ...the kids loved it.”
Carroll County Time MD
“The two canines are hilarious and irresistible. The kids were engaged immediately and laughed at surprisingly sophisticated humor. Brimming with comedy, the script is witty enough to amuse all ages. Loving and upbeat, it teaches its lessons painlessly and always with humor.”
5F 2M 1 Flex 55 minutes.
Winner, Best Children’s Play
Winnipeg Fringe Festival 2009
This Cinderella is very kind and quite plain, especially compared to her beautiful yet selfish and vain stepsisters; and has big feet to boot. With the help of her faithful feline companion, Tom, and a lovable but vision-impaired Fairy Godmother who’s always using the wrong wand, Cinderella finally learns that magic isn’t the answer to her problems.
Courage, kindness and self-confidence trump superficial beauty and an expensive wardrobe.
Courage, kindness and self-confidence trump superficial beauty and an expensive wardrobe. From Tom’s slapstick shenanigans to Lady Lotta Bonbon’s cat allergies to cupcakes in the face at the ball, everyone laughs their way through the valuable lessons learned — even the hateful stepsisters see that a kind heart is what emanates true beauty.
“.. a marvel with a wonderful lesson. No matter how good-looking the face and wardrobe of a bully may be, a thoughtful and kind person will win the prince’s heart every time.
David Marlowe, Theatre 411, Colorado
“Really conveyed a wonderful message about standing up for yourself and doing what is right”
“a sophisticated, witty script” The Register Guard, OR.
“Edith Weiss has written a charming makeover of the classic Grimm fairytale. “
Prince Charming, aka Prince Awkward
HERALD: Why don’t you introduce yourself?
PRINCE: Oh, that’s good. I’ll introduce myself. Hello. My name is – ah- The Prince.
CINDERELLA: I know. Prince Charming. My name is Cinderella.
PRINCE: I know.
CINDERELLA: But how?
PRINCE: How. (pause. HERALD elbows him) How do you do?
CINDERELLA: Fine, thank you.
FGM: Why don’t you ask her to dance?
HERALD: Always appropriate, your Highness, especially at a ball.
PRINCE: Would you …
CINDERELLA: I’d love to
Not Your Disney’s Fairy Godmother:
CINDERELLA: Fairy Godmother? Oh, I’m so glad you’re here. I need your help. Can you help me?
FAIRY GODMOTHER: No.
TOMCAT: What?! Look at her – all sad and mopey, thinking she’s a failure! And you’re not going to help her with one of those many wands of yours?
FAIRY GODMOTHER: I can’t. I’ve done my part and now you, Cinderella, have to do yours. The courage you need to stand up to your sisters is in you. Not in magic, not in spells, but in you.
CINDERELLA: But I just can’t! They’re always telling me I’m stupid, and I’m plain, and I’m not good enough!
FAIRY GODMOTHER: You don’t have to believe them.
TOMCAT: Can’t you just do that wand thing one more time?
FAIRY GODMOTHER: No. (FGM EXITS)
CINDERELLA: She left!
FGM: A matter of mindful modesty requires me to implore you to dash into the foyer, in the happenstance that the transition between attires is not achieved simultaneously.
FGM: What’s the matter with you? Where’s your vocabulary? Don’t you read?
CINDERELLA: He’s a cat.
FGM: That’s no excuse. Everyone should read.
CINDERELLA: She means I should go somewhere private, in case the old dress comes off before the new one goes on.
TOMCAT: She just left us here. What kind of a fairy godmother is that?
All the Single Ladies
LADY LOTTA: Bon Soir. Enchante. Bon Fenetre.
HERALD: Welcome. And good windows to you too.
PRUNELLA: Look at her, trying to impress everyone with her French!
CRUDEELLA: It’s sad, really, how she’s aged.
PRUNELLA: And put on more than a few pounds.
CRUDEELLA: What has she done to her hair?
PRUNELLA: What an atrocious gown. It brings out her large pores.
(LADY LOTTA BONBON crosses to the sisters)
PRUNELLA: Lady Lotta BonBon! You look wonderful!
CRUDEELLA: Your gown is divine!
LADY LOTTA: Did you see the Herald flirting with me? He could barely contain himself. You naughty man! I’m practically betrothed to the Prince!
(HERALD gets tray of hour’ d oeuvres)
PRUNELLA: Your imagination, Lady Lotta, is equal only to your French.
REPRESENTATIVE PRODUCTIONS: CentreStage, Nova Scotia; U. of Wisconsin, Waukesha, Studio Players, NJ., Dutch Country Players, Pa, Twin Lakes Playhouse, AR. , Studio Theater N.J., InterAct Theater for the Deaf, TN., Winnipeg Fringe Festival, Mad Duckling Players, OR. Missoula Children’s Theater, Mt., Littleton Children’s Theater, CO., Broadhollow Theater NY, Imagination Creation, NJ; Arizona B’way, AZ.
The Three Prince Charmings
3 m 3 w 1 flex with doubling. 14 characters 60 min. with original songs and classical music
Narrator Steve meets two dueling Princes, Prince Charming Hair and Prince Charming Smile, and narrates retellings of Cinderella, Rapunzel, and Snow White. Available with or without music.
Productions/Tours: Consumnes River College, CA. Northglenn Youth Theater, CO. Arvada Center, CO., Carroll Community College, MD. Alliance Rep Theater, N.J., Westfield Community Players, N.J., Elden Players, VA. Apple Hill Playhouse, PA., Baylor College, TX.
“anyone who can sit in a chair by themselves will be enthralled.” Denver Daily News
“most charming children’s show of the season…laughable, lovable” Maryland Theatre Guide
“absolutely delightful and truly provided great entertainment value and laughter for every age”
Northglenn Youth Theater, CO
“a very witty play, with laughs for all ages.”
Cosumnes River College, CA
The Princes like Dueling…and Synonyms
Prince Charming Smile: Liar!
Prince Charming Hair: Phony!
Prince Charming Smile: Parry, parry, lunge, lunge! Aha!
Prince Charming Smile: Fraud!
Prince Charming Hair: Finagler!
Steve: I’m trying to tell a story here.
Prince Charming Smile: Prestidigitator!
Steve: Whoa! Big word.
The witches Imaboil and Esmepus deal with Rapunzel’s teenage years:
Imaboil: Rapunzel! (Rap. pointedly ignores them) RAPUNZEL!
Esmepus: Rapunzel, we’re speaking to you.
Imaboil: Can’t you show some respect when you speak to your elders?
Esmepus: What did you do today?
Imaboil: Lazy, good for nothing girl!
Rapunzel: I’m stuck in a tower, Imaboil. There is nothing to do!
Prince Charming Hair attempts to rescue Rapunzel from the tower:
Prince Charming Smile: What matters now is to get you out of the tower and make you my wife! But how? Your hair! Of course! I’ll climb up your hair!
Rapunzel: That’s gonna hurt.
Prince Charming Smile: Isn’t a moment’s pain worth a lifetime of freedom and joy?
Rapunzel: I dunno.
Prince Charming Smile: The answer is YES! Yes, my dear dim damsel. A moment of pain is worth a lifetime of freedom and joy!
Rapunzel: Awright. But this is really gonna hurt. OW! Oh! Ouch!
Prince Charming Smile: Oh, dear. I don’t know if I can stand to see you suffer thusly.
Rapunzel: Maybe we should use this rope ladder.
2 M, 4 or 5 F (with doubling) 35 minutes.
Prince Charming Smile, on a quest to find a lady fair, meets itinerant narrator Steve, who, after a furious swordfight, starts narrating the story. When they meet Rapunzel, ‘imprisoned’ by the witch Imaboil and the New Age witch Esmepus, he falls deeply into shallow love. After an arduous rescue, Rapunzel informs the Prince she doesn’t want him. Steve the Narrator comes up with a solution that works out for everybody. This very funny play explores these themes: Do you have to fight to be a ‘man’? And that facing your obstacles without falling apart or wanting to hit something is what courage is.
Excerpted from “the Three Prince Charmings” - musical scores available.
Steve begins narrating, much to Prince Charming Smile’s annoyance
STEVE: Prince Charming Smile galloped onto the scene, dismounted majestically, and threw his horse away.
SMILE: I did not throw my horse away! I gave him a push, and off he galloped to drink at the stream.
STEVE: The Prince said defensively, his hands on his hips.
SMILE: (taking hands off hips) Stop narrating!
STEVE: The Prince demanded, nostrils flaring.
SMILE: Will you stop it?
STEVE: I can’t. It’s my job.
The Prince, of course, starts swordfighting with Steve.
STEVE: No! No parrying, no thrusting! Idon’t want to fight with you!
SMILE: Are you saying you don’t have the courage to fight?
STEVE: Why are we fighting? And what does courage have to do wanting to fight?
SMILE: Silence! Lunge and parry!
STEVE: Stop lunging! What parrying! I don’t know anything about sword fighting! I’m just Steve the itinerant narrator!
They meet Rapunzel, “imprisoned” by wicked witch Imaboil and New Age witch Esmepus; and the Prince promptly falls deeply into shallow love.
SMILE: Fair maiden! Fair, forlorn maiden! What is your name?
RAPUNZEL: (with disdain) Rapunzel.
SMILE: Rapunzel! R-r-r-r-r-rapunzel! It warms the tongue just to say your name!
RAPUNZEL: (disinterested) Really?
STEVE: Said the maiden, showing a complete lack of interest.
SMILE: You’re trapped in the tower, my ravishing Rapunzel?
STEVE: Replied the maiden, without revealing the slightest spark of intelligence.
Representative Productions: Interact Theatre, TN.; Pelham Community Theater, NH
Snow White, the evil queen, and the Three Slobs
2 m 4 w 1 flex, with doubling or: 4 w 4 m 4 flex 60 min. www.histage.com
The action shifts between the castle and the hut of the slobs Snivelly, Grouchy, and Slacker, all of whom bear an uncanny resemble too cool for school middle schoolers. In this version the mirror is Snow White’s friend, and our heroine meets and befriends the Prince before she’s “asleep” with the Queen spying on her disguised as a poison berry bush
“a quick and worthy one hour for the kids”
The Rocky Mountain News
“…This Snow White is a very funny and truly original adaptation.”
Peter Loewy, Forum Theater, Metuchen, N.J.
“…Actors and audiences alike loved it”
Jeffrey Quinn, Lakewood Theater, Maine
“Our production of Hyronomous A. Frog set record sales, and Snow White and the Three Slobs surpassed that in the next season”
Kathy Kuehn, producer, Arvada Center, CO
A queen grills her hapless mirror, who cannot lie:
Queen: Am I more beautiful than the dawn?
Mirror: The dawn?
Queen: The dawn!
Mirror: The sun may rise the sun may set it honors your beauty don’t forget.
Queen: So I am more beautiful than the sunrise and the sunset?
Mirror: Well…….the sun tries too hard.
The Prince meets Snow White before she’s comatose:
Prince: I have been on a quest, a quest of many months, to find my true love.
Snow White: How do you know where to look?
Prince: My royal fortune teller told me there was a Princess, who was my true love, in this vicinity. It’s a big vicinity.
Snow White finally puts her foot down:
Snow: I also think you should get jobs.
Grumpy: You mean leave the house?
Slacker: Every day?
Snivelly: I have allergies to work.
Slacker: Leave the house and work, and then come back to the house and do more work? Whoa, Snow Dude! That’s crazy! It doesn’t make any sense!
Representative Productions: Arvada Center, CO.; Winnipeg Fringe Festival, Canada; Jesters Players at Lakewood Theater, Maine; Forum Children’s Theater, NJ., Hollow Tree Players, PA., Actor’s Theater for Children, CA., Carroll Community College tour, MD.; Forum Theater, NJ; Stage Eleven, CO., Round Lake Park district, IL.
Biggity Bad and the Three Little Pigs
5 Male, 3 Female, 7 Either Unit Set 60 min. heuerpub.com
OR Small Cast Version – 2M 3 Flex, with doubling. with or without music, in the style of rap, available through author
In this new version of the classic children’s story, Higgelty, Piggelty, and Hamlet – whose use of Shakespearean English causes acute annoyance in the pig pen –are three lazy pigs who either play ‘Pigketeers’ all day or raid the Farmer’s house for ‘people food.’ They soon catch the eye of ravenous Buzz the turkey buzzard and his sidekick Rufus the rabbit. They enlist the aid of Rolfie the Wolf, and work to transform the tender-hearted Wolf into the “Biggity Bad Wolf”. The Pigs overcome their own in-fighting to band together, building a house of stone and repelling the onslaught of Buzz and the Wolf. They even manage to save the Farmer from financial ruin in a surprise ending. With Big Bad dancing, silly rap, run- for-your life chases, and even some Shakespeare is thrown in to create a pig-out fest for the whole family
Awards & Reviews:
“Best New Children’s Play” Marlowe Award 2011
Denver Post Nominee Best Children’s Play 2011
HAMLET: The food in yon house is fit for the gods. Begging your pardon, but the food out here is quite like slop. FARMER: It is slop. You’re pigs. Pigs eat pig slop.
And the irrepressible Piggelty: HAMLET: If you take something that isn’t yours, ‘tis the
selfsame as stealing. PIGGELTY: Taking and stealing are not the same thing. If they were, there wouldn’t be two different words. Taking. Stealing. See? Different. HAMLET: You speak with the logic of a block, a stone, a worse than senseless thing.
“....a knockout of a children’s play. What’s really special about the play is that the point and purpose is to teach kids that they needn’t listen to the voice of peer pressure to feel accepted and validated. In being true to their real inner feelings of kindness and generosity they discover that they're already part of a larger community of friends who don’t need a biggety bad “gang” to feel validated.”
David Marlowe, Colorado Theater Guild
“...a fast-paced and humorous romp around the stage from start to finish”
Summit County Daily
Representative tours/productions: Backstage Breckenridge, CO., Carroll Community College, MD., Holmes Community College, MS., Imagination Creation, NJ., Twin Lakes Playhouse, AR., Jesters at Lakewood Theater, ME.; CentreStage, Nova Scotia; Arizona Broadway / theater, AZ.
THE NEW CLOTHES KING AND
THE BANDIT QUEEN
A retelling of the King’s New Clothes.
4 males, 6 Females, 3 Flex Running Time: 60 min.
The fences are falling down, the cook is reduced to making cream of beak soup, and the King’s Printer has run out of H’s and E’s, ( the sign “we love his Highness” is reduced to “We Lov is Ignss”.) The oblivious and clothes loving King is counting on his marriage to Queen Charlotta to save him financially. Unbeknownst to him, Charlotta is marrying him for his money, for she is as broke as he. Throw in the subplot of fickle Barthel Mulehead’s relentless courting of the reluctant Squagmiretta Schmirtz, two on- the- lam con men, and the dainty Queen Charlotta morphing into the karate kicking Queen Chuck, and you have this original and hilarious retelling of the story “The King’s New Clothes”.
PRODUCTIONS: Centre Stage Theater, Nova Scotia; E Street Project, Denver, Millersville University, PA., St. Clair County Community College, MI., Stage Eleven Young Actors Theater/San Franciso Tour, York College, NE., Wexford Collegiate, Toronto
With poetic language:
Barthel: Look at you. Your skin is so purty. It’s like the bellyside of a sow under a full moon. Your hair’s as silky as an acre of corn stubbles after harvest. You smell sweeter than a silo full of rye.
Squagmiretta: Stop being romantic with me!
With a power-mad King:
King: Cut out her tongue!
Tweers: We can’t do that, Your Righteousness. That was outlawed, under pressure of public demand.
King: Public demand! They don’t know what they want. Cook: They want their tongues.
With Karate chops and girl power:
Mo: Guy, we just got whupped by a girl.
Guy: She did not whup us. We were just stunned, what with all that Eyaa’ing she was doing, that’s all
THE LADYBUG AND THE BUTTERFLY
1m 2 f 5 flex 12 minutes
(another version with less characters avail. from author) brookpub.com
Beautiful and vain Bob the butterfly is extremely upset when the narrator tells him what to do. But that is nothing compared to his fury when Lily, an odd looking ladybug, moves into his meadow. The feisty ladybug teaches him about sharing and tolerance. Written in verse, with suggested music by Beethoven for accompaniment.
Summer Shorts 2 International Play Competition 2009
PRODUCTIONS: Northglenn Youth Theater, Arapahoe Community College,Summer Shorts Festival, N. Dakota, Evergreen Park Rec., IL, Citrus Community College, Interact Theater for the Deaf, TN., University of Redlands, CA., Young Actor’s Project, CA., elementary and middle schools, theater summer camps
LILY: No, it’s not your meadow. This meadow belongs to everyone. I see no trespass sign, I see no fence - so I’m going to set up residence. I won’t make a mess, I’d never ever litter - think of me as your new house sitter.
NARRATOR: Well, Bob just had a fit! (Bob does) It didn’t bother Lily- she just started to knit.
BOB: Just who do you think you are?!
LILY: I, sir, am a ladybug, and-
BOB: A ladybug? Ugh. A ladybug with stripes? Yuks and yipes. You’re short and squat and everything. You don’t even have a decent wing. Get out of my meadow- you’re ugly you know. Move it! Beat feet! Hit the street!
LILY: Sticks and stones will hurt my bones and names can really hurt me. But they won’t make me move! I’ll see here and prove, completely and fully, that I won’t be pushed around by a butterfly bully!
OLLIE AND STANLEY OWL
1 m 1f 7 flex 20 minutes
another version with less characters avail. from author
Ollie and Stanley are based on Oliver Hardy and Stan Laurel. Ollie is an old bachelor owl whose life is disrupted when a little motherless owl wanders into the woods. Kids will identify with Stanley’s attempts to learn how to hoot, something that everyone insists is easy but that is hard for him. Blattabilia Bluejay and Fumblus Bumblus Beez are neighbors of Ollie’s. It’s about loyalty, and it being all right to learn at your own pace.
PRODUCTIONS: Fulton Opera House, PA., Interact Theater for the Deaf, TN., Millersville University, PA., Holmes Community College, MS., Salem Academy, NC, Northglenn Youth Theater
BLATTABILIA: Because of Fumblus Bumblus Beez, the Queen Bee has been stuck to a stump for days, buzzing in the middle of puddle of honey!
FUMBLUS: Not days - it just happened an hour ago!
BLATTABILIA: And she was ossified, ossified by the honey.
FUMBLUS: She’s not ossified, she’s just sticky.
BLATTABILIA: Is too ossified.
FUMBLUS: Is not ossified.
FUMBLUS: Not ossified.
FUMBLUS: Not ossified!
OLLIE: Will you two stop it! Please, let’s not argue.
FUMBLUS: Okay, I hate to argue. Especially since I don’t know what ossified means.
OLLIE: It means turned to bone. So she can’t be ossified because bees don’t have bones. Whoever heard of bee bones?
BLATTABILIA: I knew that.